It's Only Love
by AvissAbyss
Summary: Kaworu is the narrator of this story. His thoughts about life and love are exposed as he waits for the moment where he and Shinji will have to retrieve the spears from Lilith. Three-shot. Brought about by Utada Hikaru's song "Beautiful World" that plays at the end of 1.11.
1. Beautiful World

Blue. Blue has been so lost this past decade-and-then-some. But I find blue is all I need. When I see it, I'm instantly calmed, happy, and brave. I know there's nothing to fear when it's around me. He doesn't know that, though. He wouldn't believe it if I threw it at him with a catapult. Or an Eva . . .

"Where are we going?" he asks, nervous but a smile still dances on his lips.

I turn toward him slightly and smile, making his grip on my hand tighten. I make sure I don't run into anything within my peripheral vision, and say, "Only a little more ways to go, Shinji-kun."

He nods once and allows me to guide him along the empty, disheveled hallways of the broken NERV. Where these walls around us used to scare him, he seems to be better about the whole situation. He thanks me for helping him and that sends a flutter into my stomach and a pain in my chest. It doesn't matter to me where I am; I can live anywhere. But I find I'm much better suited for living with Shinji-kun. I smile to myself at the thought and slow my pace to an easy walk. I notice that he's still holding my hand and I feel almost breathless. He always seems to do that to me, though that's also something he wouldn't know . . . Unless I told him.

We stop in front of a thick, heavy, rusted door, and I painfully remove my hand from his. I see him reach out slightly for me again, but he thinks differently and puts it behind his head to rest there in soft embarrassment. He clears his throat and quietly asks, "We're going in _there_?"

"Yes," I say back just as softly, smiling at him before turning around to fiddle with the lock. It was a holographic PIN lock, but this place is mine and even the correct number wasn't enough to get you in. After a minute or so of pressing numbers and cracking it open briefly, the door lifts up with a moan, rust falling around our feet as the chunks of oxidized metal are too thick to slip through the frame.

"You really like music, don't you?" Shinji-kun asks with a small smile once the door is wholly open.

I smile back and nod. "So you noticed. Maybe I should think of a new code?"

He laughs, a soft, airy noise that brings joy to my very core. "No, I like it. It's you. I like you."

My eyes widen against my will and so do his. His face goes very red and he stumbles for words. I collect myself and say, "Well, I like you, too, Shinji-kun."

I take his hand again and we walk into the room. He hesitates at first, but eases into it quickly as he lets out a gasp at what he sees. Grass grows green and thick over dark soil, trees reach to the ceiling up high with their lush leaves brushing each other in soft embraces, and water – blue water – flows from a small waterfall and into a clear pond surrounded by decorative stones. Fourteen years in the making, all for Shinji-kun. A large smile sticks to his face, utter glee pouring out from him and into my heart. His happiness is my happiness, and it brings me much euphoria to see that something I did for him makes him so happy.

"I made all of this for you, Shinji-kun," I say softly. "Do you like it?"

He turns to me and laughs in amazement. "I love it! How did you do all of this?"

I smile in return and say, "I had a lot of time on my hands and no outlet for my energy. But I made this after much thought and I'm so glad you like it." I want to say, "I made it for you because I love you," but I hold myself back. I don't want to make him run away, fear me, hate me.

We walk around the entirety of the room, hand in hand, and he continues to smile and laugh and point at things I already know are there but find that it doesn't annoy me in the least. It's cute and made him show a side of his being that few got to see. He trusts me with his inner self, and I feel as though I cannot be any happier. He makes my life worth living.

"Thank you, Shinji-kun," I say as we rest our feet in the flowing pond.

He looks at me curiously and a tiny blush pops over his face. I can see the water flowing in his irises and it sends a chill up my back, but my exterior does not falter like my heart does. "What do you mean?" he asks cautiously, as if I will bite him. The thought that he would think I would hurt him burns my stomach a little, sending a stinging sensation up to my throat, but I know that people tended to hurt him after he'd given them his all, so I can't really blame him for being so introverted.

I smile and place my hand on his. "You have given my life meaning, and I thank you for that," I reply back, staring down at the pond with a melancholy happiness.

He jumps a little and looks at our hands. A splash of red paints his face and he seems lost in thought. Then he does something that I had once only dreamed of – he takes my hand in his and squeezes it tightly, looking up at me with determined eyes. "You are the only person to accept me completely, to show me true kindness," he says, less timid than when we first got here. "_I_ should be thanking _you_! Kaworu . . . You're all I have. And really . . . Y-you're all I want."

I smile widely and close my eyes with a contented sigh. "I'm glad you feel that way, Shinji-kun."

We stay that way for a while, fingers intertwined, feet swaying softly in the cool current of the pond, wordless and happy. A small ding of a bell that I'd placed in the room for such an occasion lets us know that it is time to be heading back. I bid him a good night and turn to go to my room when he stops me, pulling on my arm with an indecisive tug. I face him once more and raise an eyebrow, not sure where this would be going. Inside, I am dying, terrified that he will tell me that this was all a mistake. But I don't let that show. I would never, unless he asked me to.

"Yes?" I ask, tilting my head to one side as he looks to the floor, hand still clutching my arm. It shakes softly, and I put my own hand on it to stop the quaking.

"K-Kaworu," he mutters, turning even more away from me. He lets out a small groan and lifts both of my arms out as if he wants me to fly. A small noise leaves me unconsciously as he wraps them around himself, his own arms now coming around my abdomen, his face buried into my chest.

I stay where he puts me at first, wondering if it would be okay for me to act on my own or if I should only do as he demands. But when he calls himself stupid and makes to leave, I wrap my arms tightly around him, guarding him, embracing him, loving him. I rest the side of my head against his and whisper, "You are not stupid, Shinji-kun. You are the reason I exist. And the world would be much worse off without you. Never doubt yourself. You are not alone."

I wonder if I said something wrong as his shoulders rise and fall rapidly with every heavy breath he makes, a warm moisture seeping through my shirt. But I don't let go. I only hold him tighter, closing my eyes and murmuring "There, there"s and "It's okay"s and "I'm here"s. And it would be okay, and I would always be there. Even in death, I would not, could not, leave my love.

With a heavy sigh, he pushes up on me and I loosen my grip. He looks to the sides of me, then to the floor, and then eventually to my face. He smiles sheepishly, eyebrows turned up with embarrassment and worry. "I'm s-sorry," he mumbles, turning his attention back to the floor quickly. "That was stupid. I ruined your shirt."

I place a hand on the side of his face and bring it toward my own, needing him to look at me. "Don't be sorry," I muse, chuckling softly. "It wasn't stupid, and my shirt is fine. Don't be afraid of me. I will not ever hurt you. I promise. And I will never hate a single thing you do. I am here forever, Shinji-kun."

His eyes become glossy and he shuts them tight with a mutter of "Dammit!" I place my forehead to his, both hands on each side of his face, and hum softly, saying, "Don't be afraid to be yourself. You're the only you there is, and there is no better time to show feelings then when you are feeling them. Don't be ashamed, don't be angry, don't be dismissive; there is nothing wrong with it. It's beautiful. You're beautiful."

His sobs mix with laughter and he wraps his arms around my neck. I shiver slightly at the sensation, such an intimate notion, and laugh back. "Kaworu," he says with a small hiccup, "I'm glad you exist. I'm glad you like me. I'm glad you care about me. And I'm really glad you're with me now."

He is really a sweet person. It's just that no one gives him a chance. To be rejected, abandoned, even hated – it is the same as being dead. And I will not let him die. "Shinji-kun," I mutter against his hair, soft and delicate. "You are the sun, soil, and water that keeps this plant alive. Change for no one."

After another brief embrace, we go separate ways and await training in the morning. If only Gendo Ikari knew what I was planning . . .

My room is empty and silent. No more cicadas. No more lights. No more comfort. No more Shinji-kun. It wasn't that I hated it, per se, I just disliked being without him, period. It is impossible to be with someone every second, minute, hour, day, week, month, year, etc. But I liked to think that I could be. I liked to think that I could be all and everything he will ever need or desire. But that was a selfish thing, and love isn't about possessions or property; it's about sharing and the royal "we." Still, I was jumping the gun a bit because I didn't even know if he liked me as I liked him, or if he was simply an affectionate friend. Regardless of how he felt, I know I would never feel any differently than how I did since the day I was born.

After training with the Eva and receiving praises of "Your synch rate is through the roof!" and "Well done," we play the piano for a bit, Rei watching us from the railing above with dead eyes. Shinji-kun never notices her, much to my relief, but he doesn't seem as enthusiastic as he usually was.

"I'm okay," he says softly, though his tone and expression betray his words.

I frown and stare at the keys beneath my fingertips. "Shinji-kun," I slam down on all of the keys within my reach simultaneously. He jumps at the noise and stares at me with a face that can only say, "What the hell?" I chuckle lightly and apologize. "I was just making sure you were paying attention. Now, would you like to hear something I wrote? Just for you?"

His anger fades to shock, then embarrassment, then happiness. "You wrote something for me?" he asks excitedly. "Um, s-sure. I'd love to hear it."

I feel a big smile spread over my face against my will and nod. I start with deep, robust notes in a tone akin to "The Tempest." It's dark and malicious. I look over at him through my peripheral vision and he seems nervous. I go higher on the scale, middle notes that pluck beneath my fingers in a silky, calming, motherly nature. I feel him become less tense and somehow smile more. They flow like my pond's blue, blue water, like his soul in his eyes, like the world rebuilding itself from the death we've caused it. It's sweet and nice, slow and steady. But then I go to the higher notes and play faster and faster, hands like blurs against the ivory keys. I feel as though everything in the world is one, and fight back the feeling of tears threatening to flee my eyes. Such a strange feeling. I bounce skillfully between the three levels of majesty and eventually slow down on the midtones again, coming to an end with a soft melody that fades into breathless silence. I look over at Shinji-kun with an anxious expression and he looks so scared, happy, angry, sad, jubilant, excited, nervous, embarrassed, and loving. His mouth opens and closes in drowned thoughts as he searches for words before he simply wraps his arms around my shoulders and I do the same to him.

"I'm glad you liked it," I say teasingly and he laughs. His laugh is what I like most about him, I think. It's hard for him to laugh, for it means he is vulnerable. But I manage to get him to let out such a barrier-crushing, beautiful noise and it fills my soul to the brim with pleasure.

He leans back, faces me dead-on, something that was also rare with his timid nature, and smiles the largest smile I have ever seen on him. I couldn't help but smile back. "I loved it! It was so full of emotion and, well, it was really beautiful. Thank you so much, Kaworu."

He hugs me again and I hug him back. Look up – there's Rei. She watches like a ghost, and leaves just as silently. Poor thing. Lost, alone, and not at all who she used to be. The power of humans to create things and leave them to die disgusts me. Like Gendo and his own son. I sigh roughly at the thought and Shinji-kun looks up at me with a worried expression.

"Did I do something wrong?" he asks, and I am quick to snuff those thoughts.

"You will never do something wrong," I say back, twirling a lock of his hair around my finger. "It is . . . Other things that bother me. But don't worry about it. You're perfect, Shinji-kun."

"Why do you say that?"

I blink at his sudden distraught nature. He looks angry. "Oh, no," I breathe out sheepishly. "You're mad at me."

"Of course I am," he replies, standing up quickly. "You can just call me 'Shinji,' you know. No need for honorifics."

I blink more and laugh. "Oh, okay . . . Shinji."

"There we go." His smile is so innocent and sweet and real. It's nice to look at, to see him okay with being who he is.

"Shinji," I start quietly, not sure how to ask what I was to ask.

"Hm?"

"Will you . . . Oh, never mind. Would you like to go to my world room?"

He looks at me with wonder in his eyes and then nods, taking my hand in his again and easing me up off the piano seat. "Lead the way."

I play my PIN, crack it open, fiddle with the wires, and click everything back into place. Shinji hm's with realization and says, "Hey, that's _my_ song."

"Of course," I reply, stepping back as the door struggles against its oxidized prison to obey its master. "You are my world. You're in everything I do."

He flushes a little and scratches his head. Just like the first time I introduced him to my version of reality. I close the door behind us and take off my shoes and socks. I quite enjoy the feel of grass beneath my feet. It was pleasant and nostalgic. He does the same and pads toward the pond. He likes it just as much as me, it seems. I follow him closely and lay down in front of the water, little sprinkles of cool blue brushing my feet softly.

He sits next to me and stares into the water, the past of what this world used to be. He sighs and says, "I wish I could've seen this all over the world instead of the red water and all the death and destruction."

I frown and look up at him to my left. "You can see it now," I say in a kind voice. "It's what this world can be again. With a little help and a little love, everything can be where it was before all this madness."

He gazes down at me with a quizzical look, hair hanging down over his face in shaggy sections. "You don't really think that, do you?"

"I do." It was a sad thought that I should . . . Oh, I didn't want to think about that. "I believe anything can be possible as long as you really believe in your cause. Not all humans are bad. You are a perfect example of the goodness of the human heart."

He laughs shortly and lays down next to me, his heels gracing the water's surface. "I hate this world that we've created. It's ugly and painful and decayed."

"It's not so bad."

He looks at me, one eyebrow raised in questioning.

I chuckle a little and turn my body to face him. "Life is what you make it, Shinji. My world is perfect as long as you're in it. As long as you're here, the world is the most beautiful place I can think of."

He stares at me for a while, then looks up at the blue ceiling, clouds brushing across it in soft paint, the sun looking back at him in its fraudulent beauty. He sighs again and sits up, turning around to look at me with eyes that were even more blue than the sky ever was or ever would be. "Kaworu," he murmurs, leaning down closer to me until his elbows are on either side of my shoulders. I feel my face heat up some, but dare not look away. "If you're here . . . Maybe the world _can _be beautiful."

He leans down even further and I hold the sides of his soft, pretty face gently. His lips touch my own in a clumsy motion and I smile at the innocence of it all. In this moment, my world is perfect, and no one could ever change that. "I love you, Shinji Ikari."


	2. Beautiful Boy

**A/N: I am aware that they don't enter the Eva at all until it's time. But for the sake of a story, excuse the liberties I've taken.**

* * *

It has been exactly two months since that little incident. We haven't talked since. Gendo is disappointed with our lack of incredible synch ratio, but that's not what I care about. I begin to wonder if I was done for when Shinji walks up to me slowly, carefully, with his head down yet again. I hate that he feels he must hide from me. It makes me nauseous, my chest constricts, and I want nothing more then to lay down and close my eyes and never get up again. But I remain where I am and smile slightly, eyes keeping on him, showing him I am not afraid even when, in actuality, I sort of am.

The disheveled walls of the half-destroyed hallway seem to cave in around us and I can't tell what's real or not. Oh, God, Shinji, just get it over with . . .

"Kaworu," he begins, hair falling over his face as he stares at the dirty tiles of the floor, them apparently more interesting than myself. I raise an eyebrow in response and he looks up briefly and goes on. "I'm sorry that I've been . . . Absent lately. I-it's just that . . ."

I put a hand on his shoulder and sigh, shaking my head with a sad smile. "It's alright," I reply, cracking at the contact. It hurts to even look at him now. "I understand. My feelings won't change. I'm still here and always will be, Shinji."

A visible shudder is felt beneath my hand and I can't help but wonder if he's sick or something. He was normally timid, yes, but this was different. I put another hand on his other shoulder and grip him a bit, worried that he may pass out, and another tremor passes through him. "Are you okay, Shinji?"

He tenses up and takes a step back, his right hand on the decaying wall beside him. Those blue, blue, blue eyes look up at me with frustration. "I-I'm not supposed to like you, Kaworu!" he yells, his voice resounding around us in a scared echo. "Boys don't like other boys."

"Gender has nothing to do with love," I say back, letting my arms fall to my sides, not knowing what to do with them now. It would be strange to put my hands in my pockets, and rude to cross my arms.

"It's just . . . When you say my name . . . It feels right. Y-you love me, Kaworu?"

I smile and my heart flutters once more. So he wasn't abandoning me. Good. Thank all of the gods. I walk to him in a few silent steps and wrap my arms around his thin waist. He's shaking so badly and I can't stand it. He puts his arms around my neck and I can't help but laugh. It was so awkward and innocent and cute and perfect. "Yes, Shinji. I love you. With all I am and more."

His shaking worsens and I have to prop him on the wall to keep him from falling down. He makes a strange noise, something between a choke and a whine, and tightens his grip on me. I'm somehow startled to notice that he is still in his plug suit and feel my face flush a little. How close, smooth, and intimate. It was a little . . . Scary, to be honest.

I feel different shakes from his tiny frame now as he laughs airily. "You're shaking," he says, looking up at me, his whole body telling me he was nervous.

I look down at myself and find that I certainly am. I didn't even notice. How silly. I chuckle a little and look back at him, up on the wall, so near, so terrifying. "As are you."

He smiles a little and cups my face with his warm hands. It feels so wonderful, the warmth, the love. I close my eyes and the last thing I think of is blue as another clumsy, scared kiss is placed on my lips.

My room is cold and dark. The bed is small, the floors are polished wood, and the lamp on the bedside table is broken. But it smells nice, like clean linen and flowers. And it's home. It isn't horrible, and it's better than nothing. But it's not better than being with Shinji. His dark brown hair, tanned skin, and those _eyes_. I can't see how anyone could look into his eyes and not fall in love. He's so small and thin and, well, pretty. Beautiful, actually. He always smells so good, too. Better than this room, and even better than my reality room. I'm not sure how he does it, but it's nice and wonderful and relaxing and it sends a fluttering sensation to my stomach and an ache to my heart.

I toss and turn in the small bed, sleep unable to find me in my own thoughts. I'm not sure if I'm tired or energized. Caught in this Shinji limbo, it is hard to feel anything. He is my everything, he could do anything, and yet he has no idea how much power he holds. I smile and shut my eyes. No, he really doesn't know just how much he can get away with.

Wake up, receive clothes, change, eat, brush teeth, send back dirty clothes and dishes, sigh, go to Gendo Ikari and Kozo Fuyutsuki, get dirty looks, fake smile, change into plug suit, wait for Shinji, real smile upon him entering the room. Every day. The same thing every day. Rei Ayanami. Real smile to Rei, blank stare in return. My chest hurts when I see her. I want to help her. I want her to be the Rei Shinji knew. The Rei Shinji risked everything to save. The Rei Shinji almost caused the Third Impact for. I want Shinji to be happy. I want Shinji, period.

We get into the Eva, it starts misbehaving immediately. I look at Shinji, worried, and he looks back, angry. I'm sorry. I can't fix her. I've tried. I try. I'll try again. And again and again, Shinji, I will try again and again and again.

"Sorry," he mumbles in exasperation. "It's okay. I'll try again."

Oh, here we go. Pain. The Eva pulls at my side, dislocating the shoulder. Shit. We get forcefully ejected. Dirty looks, a fake smile on my part, a glare on Shinji's, a "You may go," on Gendo's, a sad look on Fuyutsuki's. I half-hope Shinji won't be able to pilot it again, or that Gendo and Seele will die. Fuyutsuki wasn't bad, though. Poor Yui. Sick. Disgusting. Monster. Fuck you, Gendo.

"Hey, Kaworu?"

I snap out of thought, belting my pants back to their original, unmussied state. I look at Shinji, buttoning my shirt up and tucking it in. He's sitting on the floor, already in his clothes, plug suit folded up in his cubby. My angry thinking must've slowed me down, as I'm always done changing first. Hm, and he usually waits for me on the other side so he won't see anything. I wonder . . .

"Yes, Shinji?"

"Can we go to the 'reality room' again? I need a break."

I smile and nod, holding out my hand to help him up off the dirty floor. He takes it gratefully and smiles back, a silent thanks.

He sits atop the small rock waterfall and stares ahead of him, head resting on his knees, arms wrapped around himself so tightly, it's as if he'll implode. He doesn't want to talk, so I sit by the pond, up to the bottoms of my knees in the water. I wonder what having a family is like? It sounds nice enough, if your father wasn't Gendo Ikari. How many people died? So many. So many families broken and dismembered. So many regrets parents or children must have had when they realized they couldn't apologize before turning into nothing. It was too late. Too late for them. Gendo could apologize, try to make up for his absence, his treachery, his putrid evilness. But he hadn't, isn't, and never would. Poor Shinji.

Speaking of. He sighs roughly, almost coughing, and lowers his legs into the rapid flow of water in front of him. It looks painful, but he makes no indication that it feels like anything at all. He looks at me and frowns. "What's with the scowl?"

I blink and tilt my head to the right. "Hm?"

"You looked really mad. What's wrong?"

Oh. Well, now. Just when I thought that I was the master of blank expressions, haha. "Oh, that . . . Just thinking. Families. Death. Feelings. You. You're not the part I was 'scowling' at, rest assured."

"My dad?"

He stands up and climbs down the plateau slowly, making sure not to cut himself on the sharp rocks. I nod and he sighs again, much more softly than the last one. He smiles and puts a hand on my forearm, giving it a gentle squeeze. "Don't worry about it."

Tingly. How such a simple gesture manages to pull at my heartstrings so aggressively, I'll never know. A smile spreads onto my face and I take his hand in my own. "I know, I know," I say quietly, bringing his hand to my mouth, kissing it lightly. I feel him tense up and chuckle absentmindedly. Oh, this ice was thin, indeed.

"K-Kaworu," he squeaks, anxious, but he doesn't remove his hand. If there was ever a time to test the waters, now would certainly be it.

I kiss his hand again, then his wrist, the crook of his elbow, his shoulder – the more intimate places are ahead of me, testing my nerves, and I think about stopping, but then what kind of man (or Angel) would I be if I quit in the middle of something? No, I wouldn't stop. I kiss his neck, which gains me a small gasp, his cheek, his forehead, his other cheek, his nose, his chin, and finally, his mouth. He's shaking so furiously, and I feel bad about what I'm doing, but he doesn't tell me no, and he reciprocates, and I'm relieved. It's a foreign thing and it's strange to do and I'm not sure if I do it right, but he feels the same as I do so I'm not too worried. He wraps his hands around my neck and I wrap mine around his slender waist. His pulse was so fast and I could feel it everywhere on him. Mine was certainly above normal speed as well. He opens his mouth and I breathe into him, a deep shudder for him and a strange sensation for me. Hm . . .

I decide that, since we're going in this fairly deep, experimentation wouldn't be so bad. I stick out my tongue and run it along his lip, getting more shudders and a tiny, choked noise. I do my best not to smile and continue on my exploration. He seems to get into it and does the same. I'm a little shocked when his tongue hits my own, but it's . . . Pretty, um, hot.

He unlocks our lips and breathes heavily onto my shoulder. Even that was hot. For some reason. I dip my head down and kiss his neck again, a gasp and a whimper of my name leaving his swollen lips. There's that sensation again. I bite at the sensitive flesh of his neck a little, testing, and a soft moan is my gift in return. But he's quick to stop, pushing me back, face the most beautiful shade of red, eyes still as blue and as sensitive as ever.

"M-maybe we should stop," he says through heavy pants of breath.

I can't help but smile. "You're beautiful, Shinji."

Somehow, his face manages to get redder. His ears are even red. So cute. "Really, I th-think we should stop . . . For today, I mean."

I nod understandingly and kiss him again, gentle and soft. It isn't so awkward anymore, but it still gives me the same sensation. Breathless, floating, and just a tinge naughty. I walk him back to his room and he lingers in the doorway, blushing, wondering what to say or do. I pull him into a tight embrace and whisper, "For today."

He makes a small whine and looks up at me warily. "You, uh, caught that, huh?"

I laugh and rub my nose on his. "Mmhm. I'm not going anywhere; you can have me whenever you please."

"Oh, God." He shivers slightly and pushes up on my chest. I release him from my hug and he smiles, tells me goodnight, and then he's gone behind the closed door.

I laugh to myself on the way back to my room, but stop in the hallway on impulse. I turn and make my way to my piano and stare at the girl sitting on my seat, poking at the keys uneasily. She hits a high note much too hard and jumps slightly. Huh, so even Rei wasn't totally immune to expression.

"Rei," I say as I walk toward her, kicking at the dirt that seems to be surrounding the building these days. She turns, blank, and stares at me in a most doll-like way. It's a little unsettling how she just stares _through_ everything.

"Nagisa," she replies, folding her hands over her lap. What a strange feeling, hearing that name from this girl.

"Would you like to play with me?" I ask, sitting next to her, popping my fingers as I prepared them for play.

"Would you . . . Teach me?"

I stare at her, shocked that she'd want to do anything, or that she even could with Gendo McFuckface hoarding her all the time. Oh, that was mean. I'm really not so angry, haha. Hm. But it was strange. Maybe he put her up to it. Or he wants to make it look like we were having a fling and hurt his son more. I wouldn't put it past him.

"Why the sudden interest?" I decide to ask, plucking softly at the keys in a calm melody.

She turns in the seat and stares at my hands for a while, quiet, lost in thought. "Hm," she mumbles. "I don't know why . . . Ikari likes it. He likes you. I want . . . I want to know you. I want to be me . . . I . . ."

I stop playing and put an arm around her shoulders. "I understand. Here, each key has a letter to it, aaaand . . ." I get up off the seat and pull her up with me, opening it and handing her a music booklet. "They look like this. I'll teach you how to read them."

We play through the night, teacher and student, until it's time for more testing and practice. She gets pretty good, a quick learner, and I can't say I didn't enjoy it either.

I get up to leave and turn to her. "You did well for a beginner," I say, smiling down at her. "Good job. You should be proud."

Her mouth twitches a little until a small smile plays upon her lips, lighting up her crimson eyes that reminded me so much of my own. She's pretty cute when she smiles. "Thank you, Nagisa," she says in that ever-soft voice of hers. "Um, g-good . . . Luck. I hope you and Ikari do well."

I laugh, exhausted, and pat her back. "Thank you, Rei. It was a pleasure. Maybe we can do this again, with Shinji, perhaps?"

"I would enjoy that."

I squeeze her shoulder affectionately and walk down to the place that I hate so much. I hate Gendo's face, I hate NERV, I hate Seele, I hate their plans. But it'll get me closer to making Shinji happy, so I endure this bovine fecal matter for now. Shinji's waiting on me, nervous, fidgety in his plug suit. I tap my feet harder on the floor to alert him of my presence and he turns and smiles widely, evoking butterflies within my very soul. I wave a little and go to change. I used valuable sleep time on something silly, but I don't regret it. She was sweet and needed some sort of happiness. A puppet with a soul . . . Like me . . . How awful.

I can feel Gendo glare at me, even with that visor over his eyes, as I walk toward the Eva, eying me up and down, as if I didn't do something right and he's thinking of ways to punish me. I smile my sweetest smile at him and nod to Shinji. We get into the Eva and he smiles at me sheepishly, feeling much better than yesterday. Our synch rate is high and we do well controlling it, as if we are one entity, the three of us. Gendo grunts his usual, "Well done," and Fuyutsuki nods his sad approval.

I change and exit the little room and walk down the hall slowly, waiting for Shinji to catch up. He does so quickly and wraps his arm around mine, much to my pleasure. I smile and bump his head with mine gently. I fear that if I close my eyes, I'll be unable to open them again, at least for hours. I forgot how soft he was. His skin, his hair – they were like velvet. I love it with every fiber of my being.

"Why are you so tired?" he asks, squeezing my arm, leaning his head on my shoulder.

I laugh a little and kiss his head. "I was on business and didn't sleep at all. I'm sure I'll have old food and clothes in my room, wondering why they haven't been sent back yet."

"I'm pretty sure food and clothes don't think about much of anything."

"Hm, maybe not. But they may be mad at me, your father and the rest of them."

"I thought you said it was business?"

"Not theirs, no."

He stops where he is, making me jerk back with the sudden halt. I turn back to him and raise my eyebrows.

"What were you doing? I heard the piano, Kaworu. And I know you couldn't have played alone with all the notes, and all the screw-ups."

Oops. Sure didn't take that into account. I sigh and smile sadly. "I really don't want to answer that, Shinji. It might hurt."

"I don't care! Just tell me . . . Please."

I stare down the hallway for a while, debating whether to lie or not. I decide that I would never lie to him and look into those oceans of eyes of his. "Rei wanted to know how to play the piano. I was up all night teaching her. She's fairly good. Sorry."

He looks at me for a while, wondering if I was joking because, frankly, it did sound a little ridiculous, but comes to the same conclusion that I did in that I would never lie to him, ever. "But . . . Ayanami never comes near us."

"She wants to be a fragment of the self you came to love and care about," I say, leaning against the wall in case I passed out. I feel so dizzy all of a sudden. "She wanted to know me to know you, and chose the easiest route: my piano. She wants to play with the both of us, together. I'm sorry, are you okay?"

He holds up a finger to me and then brings it to his mouth, as if silencing himself. I begin to think I broke him when he looks to me and says, "That's . . . That's great. I'm glad she's starting to act human again."

I sigh in relief and we walk to my room, arms locked tightly so neither can be pulled away from the other. The beautiful boy lingers in the doorway again, this time from the outside, and scratches his head, debating on his next action. I laugh and lay down on the bed after sending out the food and clothes. "You can come in, you know. But I'll be asleep in a few minutes."

He grunts a little, an "I _knooow_" of sorts, and enters the dark room, closing the door behind him. He sighs wholeheartedly and slowly, carefully, makes his way to my bed. He sits down at the end of it shyly, pressing into the sheets and futon, testing their durability. As if he could change them if they weren't up to his standards. I chuckle at the scene before me and he jumps and blushes furiously.

"D-don't make fun of me," he whines. "It's just . . . I've never been in the same bed as someone I liked before."

"Me, either," I say drowsily, turning on my side to get more comfortable. He looks at me in shock and embarrassment. Guess I was pinned as a sex fiend.

"You haven't?"

"I've only liked you, Shinji. No one else."

"So, I'm your first . . ."

"My first everything, yes."

The huge, relieved smile that comes over his face is enough to melt anyone's heart. I can't believe how happy me being "pure" makes him. But that's what's to love about Shinji. The innocence of his soul.

He lays down on his side, facing me with his most adoring expression. He leans in closer and touches his lips to mine, brushing them gently with affection. I grab them with my own and trap them in a soft kiss before drifting, drifting, drifting . . .

It's darker now then when I fell asleep. Shinji lays facing away from me, mumbling lyrics to a song in the laziest tone I've ever heard. I laugh at the whole thing and he jumps, turning over to face me with wide eyes and a slightly-opened mouth. I take advantage of that and manage to pull him into a kiss. He yelps at the suddenness but eases into it quickly. He's definitely more comfortable with it, with me, with himself.

Maybe too comfortable, as he begins unbuttoning my shirt. Well, two can play at that. I do the same to him, much faster than he could, and pull it off of him. I put my hands on the bottom of his undershirt and he's at the last button on me. I slide my shirt off easily, not wearing an undershirt and that's when he stops me as I just get started pulling his shirt off. He looks at me with excitement, curiosity, and fear. He's red, red, red, red, switching between looking at my face and my exposed body.

I smile at him and ask, "Do you want to stop?"

He stares nervously, then declares, "No. I don't."

I blink for a moment, trying to slow down my heart and suppress the blush that so desperately wants to appear on my face. Composure gained, I nod and kiss him again, slowly pushing him over and settling myself between his legs. He makes to push me off at first, but reevaluates the decision and brings me closer instead. I lift his shirt over his head and move to kiss the newly-exposed skin. He gasps a little as I make my way down his body, the soft flesh hot to the touch. I am sure to leave my mark, to make sure everyone knows what we did. Maybe that isn't the brightest idea, but I can't help myself. He's my Shinji, after all.

A soft whine of my name and his belt is off. I take mine off as well, the thing so difficult to get rid of when it wasn't what you're focused on. There goes the buttons and the zippers. I pull off his pants slowly so he has time to tell me to stop if he's changed his mind. He clearly hasn't as they fall to the floor. I'm back on top of him and he's so embarrassed and wanting and beautiful. I hold his face with one of my hands and ask again, "Do you want me to stop?"

He looks up at me and bites his lower lip, debating, debating, debating. My eyes widen slightly as he pulls down my pants, but I kick them to the floor to lay next to his. He grabs my face and brings it to his in a torrent of hormones and passion, biting _my_ lower lip and wrapping his legs around my hips. I gasp as his new position makes our groins collide and, oh, the friction is wonderful. I guess that was a no.

Getting such a big rejection to my question, I decide that now is not the time to be so shy. I test him by bucking my hips a little and he gives a small squeak of my name. I do it again and again and each time is a different response. Eventually, he moans my name and takes my hand and puts it on his crotch, the fabric of his underwear pulled quite tightly over his erection. Well, now. That was new. I rub it experimentally, receiving a shudder to the action and a soft cry of, "Keep doing that." I do as I'm told and continue rubbing faster. But this doesn't last long. I move to rid him of the underwear completely and, to my shock, he does the same to me, wrapping his legs around me once more. I can't help but whimper as he pushes his hips up to meet mine. It's a little awkward, but that doesn't make it feel any less good. First time sexual experiences are always a little awkward, right? I thrust in time to his own movements before he wraps his hand around the both of us. Another gasp of shock and excitement leaves my mouth and I put my hand over his. It's not too long before I begin to see stars and let out choked slurs of "Shinji" as I ejaculate. He does the same, but it's so much sexier when he does it.

I lift myself off of him and roll over on my back, still near him enough to have our arms touching. I liked touching him. A lot. In any way, it would appear.

"Why does that have to be so messy?" he asks between huffs of breath and small laughs.

I turn to him and smile, all giddy and warm and relaxed. "So good little boys won't be tempted to do it again?"

"Pft. I would still do it again."

I stare at him for a while until he realizes what he said and cups his hands over his mouth in embarrassment. I can't help but laugh at him, still being so bashful even after what we'd just done. I pull him to me and kiss his pretty little face.

"I love you, Shinji Ikari," I say softly against his ear, brushing it lightly with my lips.

"I . . . I love you, too, Kaworu Nagisa," he says back quietly, gently.

"You're so beautiful."

A small laugh and a playful "shut up" and then darkness as exhaustion overtakes me. We'd worry about the mess later, I guess.


	3. You Don't Know How Beautiful You Are

**A/N: Last chapter! I kinda felt bad about writing it because Shinji's such an innocent guy, but . . . The deed is done. (I hope there are no typos~) It gets pretty heavy, so you've been warned . . . Also, you guys know the preview for the third movie at the end of the second movie? I wonder why none of that happened. Anyway, thank you for all the reviews, follows, and the rest. I hope you like it! *w***

* * *

Weeks turn to months quickly as we go on living as if nothing happened. We still talk and kiss, sure, but nothing more than that. Not that I'm complaining. I love being with him regardless of the situation, which I had a feeling was going to turn bad very soon.

With a sigh, I pull myself from my bed, feeling the most exhausted I've ever felt. I'd gotten a full night's rest, so I don't know what's wrong with me. My body hurts all over and I find myself crying. Huh. What a weird feeling this is, the warm wetness of tears crawling down my cheeks ever so casually. I touch at them softly, still unaware as to the reason for them, but wipe them off and make my bed. Eat, brush teeth, change, sigh, walk out the door—run into Shinji? Well, that was different.

"Shinji?" I ask, startled, holding my head from the impact. I suppose that's what I get for looking down.

He does the same and laughs nervously. "Oh, sorry," he mumbles. "I was just . . . Um . . . I missed you."

He looks down, hiding behind the security of his hair once more. I thought we've gotten past this stage, but I just smile and hug him, not wanting to waste time on trivial things. "I missed you, too." I admit, it still bothers me when he can't look up at me. I understand, but . . . It hurts. It's the small things that make life, you know.

I feel him relax against me and mutter something into the fabric of my shirt. I let out a soft "hm" and he just shakes his head. I fall back against the door, standing at a surprisingly-comfortable position with only my shoulders touching the barrier. I laugh at his angry face; he's so surprised that I would just move like that. He should know better. "That's better," I whisper, leaning down to kiss him ever-so-softly. "Why don't you look at me more?"

He tries to turn away as I say this, but my hands are firmly planted on his face so he won't do just that. "I . . . I don't know," he says quietly, giving me the pleasure of looking into his eyes. "I just feel embarrassed and, well, unworthy."

His last sentence is almost inaudible. It makes me angry. "Enough of that," I say, letting myself slide down the door, taking him with me with a small yelp. "You're not unworthy. You are good and pure and wonderful and perfect. Stop denying yourself the happiness you deserve. Please stop doubting yourself, Shinji."

He doesn't look away this time. His eyes are glossy with tears threatening to spill from the brim, but he doesn't let them. He just hugs me so, so tightly, and I return the love gratefully. If only he knew just how special he really is.

Red. After. Decay, death, destruction, bad. Blue. Before. Peaceful, harmonious, comforting, good. Does that mean I'm bad? Red eyes. Red water. Red . . . Blood? I don't want to be bad. Shinji isn't bad. He's far from it. Just a little scared and confused. He gets better every day. He tells me I'm amazing, but I know I'm not so great. Not as great as him. I try to be as good as I can, turning down such a fate of Angels. I know they'll kill me if I disobey. But I must. For Shinji. For the things he loves.

What does this make Rei . . .?

"Nagisa," the soft, monotonous voice of Rei Ayanami is unmistakable and I turn from my seat at the piano to look at her. It's the first time I've seen her without her plug suit on. I stifle a laugh at the sight: small, slender girl in a boy's overlarge school uniform. It's kind of cute, actually.

"Hello, Rei," I reply with a smile. "What brings you here? I don't know where Shinji is at right now, if that's who you're looking for."

She sits next to me, staring at the keys with ridiculous concentration. Her eyes narrow to a glare and she says, "No, it was my intent to find you. What . . . Do you live in?"

I stare at her fastidiously, eyes narrowed just like hers, an eyebrow raised. "What do you mean?"

"I mean exactly as I ask."

"In this world."

"Specifically. Elaborate."

"Hm, I live here, in this broken down abomination of man. In this world that is doing its best to revive itself. In a small room full of darkness. Why?"

"A tube of liquid."

"What?"

"That's where I live, and I don't know why."

Oh, poor girl. I know I can't tell her anything. Not before we set out on our mission. I sigh and place a hand on her shoulder. "I believe that's something you must figure out for yourself."

"Hm." A small ping of a note as she presses onto it gingerly. "I want to play, then."

I chuckle softly and nod. "Alright, as you wish."

We play for hours, her lingering down on the lower notes, myself staying in the mid to high range. We don't sound half bad, and she picks up on things incredibly fast. We don't notice the time, and we don't notice when Shinji walks in, or when he clears his throat – only when he slams a hand down on the keys do we jump and look up at him. I smile up at him, then at Rei, who tries her best to do the same, then back at Shinji's knitted brows and glare. "Ah, hello, Shinji."

"Hello, Ikari," Rei adds daintily.

A blush passes over the brunette's cheeks and he looks to her, then back to me. With a rough sigh, he pushes me over and sits on the end, putting me in the middle, and Rei almost off the seat completely. "What are we playing?"

I smile, relieved. I thought he was going to beat us up or something. But he's not normally a forceful, mean person. The three of us play well into the night, until Rei tells us she has to go, giving a small "good night" in her wake.

"That was nice, wasn't it?" I ask, laying on my back to look at the sky. Shinji lays next me, inside himself with deep thought. I hope he doesn't hurt too badly.

"Yeah," he whispers, eyes not blinking, not moving from their spot in the stars.

I sigh and sit up, allowing my hair to fall into my face at the motion. Why must things be so complicated? My poor Shinji. I poke at his shoulder softly so he won't be too startled at the contact and his eyes turn to me quickly, like a predator on the hunt. It's a little worrying, really. "Shinji, are you alright?"

"She isn't . . . Never mind."

He closes his eyes and turns over, facing away from me. I know I should probably leave him be, but I don't want him to be upset at any time. It hurts when someone you love doesn't feel their best. I roll my eyes and grab his shoulder, turning him toward me, receiving a small gasp upon my body being on top of his. "Shinji, don't worry so much. I will not let you fall," I say quietly before giving him a gentle kiss.

He shivers slightly and whispers, "I know, Kaworu."

We sleep there, huddled together, me filling him with optimism and confidence, him worrying about what the next day will bring. I worry too; the more days that pass, the more on-edge I feel. I'm nervous, and I don't know why, but I'm sure there's a good reason for it.

We awake to a filmy light and the wondering stare of Rei Ayanami. Shinji jumps and makes a choked noise and I simply smile and wave up at her. I wonder if she really feels anything or if she just keeps it all in. It must be strange to see us sleeping together, his head resting on my chest, my arms around him protectively. But I'm unashamed of my love and certainly don't mind if others know about it.

"Good morning, Rei," I say, sitting up and stretching. I look over at Shinji, who decides it best that he hide behind a small tree that manages to grow here. "And, uh, good morning, Shinji."

"You two are needed for practice," she says in her usual tone, though I believe I see some pink around her cheeks. "And . . . Good morning."

She walks off swiftly, now back in her plug suit, leaving us to stare after her in silent wonder. I look back at Shinji, slowly crawling out from his hiding place, and say, "Leaps and bounds, that's what she's making."

He stares at me, perplexed, and stands up to stretch himself out. I laugh and shake my head, standing up as well, waiting for him to be done with the morning routine. I wonder how angry his father will be.

Practice is well and normal, dull and full of anxieties on all parts. Fuyutsuki looks as sad as ever and Gendo is the same vacant anger as usual. Maybe just a tad more angry. It's hard to read people sometimes. Shinji pats my shoulder and heads off, somehow already dressed. He seems a bit vacant himself. With a snort, I remove my plug suit and put on the usual attire. Not too long now, and I'll never have to see either garments again . . . For better or for worse.

Life is such a sad thing sometimes. Shinji knows this. I know it. Rei . . . Doesn't really know much of anything aside from the things she's fed on by Gendo. I would rather know the sadness of life than nothing at all. Numbness in darkness, surrounding your being as you know not why you're here . . . It's rather heartbreaking. I wonder if she _is_ heartbroken? It's strange to talk about a puppet as if they were a real thing, but it's stranger to talk about things that look human as if they weren't. Where does this leave me?

Hallways – no Shinji. Piano room – no Shinji. Reality room – no Shinji (not that that is a surprise). My room – no Shinji. Rei's shack – no Shinji. I sit in front of the door to his room, back pressing up against it as hard as I can push, feeling as if it is unreal if I can't put all of myself into it. It's not like him to be so reclusive anymore. That pain and heaviness fills my chest and stomach again and I want to cry. It feels silly that I should want to do such a thing, but I almost do, until the door opens and I fall to the floor with a loud thud.

With a low groan, I open my eyes and see Shinji standing over me, looking as if he wants to laugh, but thinking that that would be rude. With a nervous laugh, I say, "Oh, hello, Shinji. I was just . . . Lying around."

"What in the world are you doing?" he asks, holding out his hand for me to take. And I do, and it feels just as wonderful as the first time, so warm and soft and inviting. Instead of allowing him to pull me up, as he intended, I pull him down, his face only centimeters from mine.

"I got worried, you see, because I couldn't find you anywhere. So, here I am, at your service."

His face, upside down to me, turns a dark red and his hands grip my forearms tightly. "K-Kaworu," he mumbles, shutting his eyes and turning his head away from me as much as he can. "Don't say such things."

I stare up at him quizzically, leaning up a little more until our noses touch. "Hm? What things?"

He mutters something I can't understand for a bit, but the one word I hear, the last word, is "service." I smile, somewhat devilish, for he gave me something I can definitely use against him in the naughtiest of natures.

"Maybe I can . . . Show you some five-star service, hm?"

He pushes up on me and falls over onto his back with a small gasp. I roll over on my stomach and narrow my eyes. This time, _I'm_ the predator. I crawl over to him and wrap my arms around his neck loosely. He shakes and whines, and I feel terrible once again, but he makes no attempts to get me off of him and I take it as an okay.

The air is cool on my skin as he pulls my shirt off, his already long gone, and I shiver slightly under the influence of it and his warm, warm touch. This certainly isn't what I came here for, but I'm not complaining. I keep my mouth to his and ease his pants off, slowly and gently, and he is more than willing for me to do so. He grabs at my own and I give him the satisfaction of removing them himself. It feels better than when I do it, sensual and curious, and I let out a quiet groan when he pushes his hips up to mine.

Nothing makes me feel the way Shinji does. I've never done anything by myself, and definitely not with another, so the first of these sensations was a surprise. Now, it isn't so foreign, but I'm still not used to the way my body involuntarily bucks or makes noises or says his name in airy whispers. I don't mind it, it's just so odd to have things out of my control.

I gasp when he hooks his thumbs around my underwear and asks, "Do you want to . . . Go all the way?"

"H-how?"

I never felt ignorant or nervous or scared before I met him, but he makes me more human than I ever thought possible and I should really thank him for that. However, sex isn't something I read about or think about or talk about, and I know the basics (insert and instinct), but it's, well, different and terrifying. He made it clear he's never done that either, and since he's normally timid and docile, this new boldness is unexpected and rather scary. I don't know if I can meet his standards. But I'm willing to try.

He looks away, a crack in his armor, and tugs down on my underwear once more. I help him get them off and toss them aside amongst the rest of our clothes. He pulls down on his own and does the same. I stare, nervous, anxious, and feel my face get unbearably hot. I try my best to keep in control, and lean down to kiss him, both of us shaking almost violently. It's somewhat calming . . . Until he leans back and puts one of my fingers in his mouth. I'm stunned at the action, incredibly erotic, and make the faintest noise in the back of my throat as he inserts another.

All of my senses are in hyperdrive and are ready to overload and bring me down with them. I just sit and stare in shocked silence as he works his mouth around my digits in the most sexual display of humanity I've ever seen. My face is so hot that I feel it's going to just melt off. He takes them out of his mouth slowly and pushes me over to the side of him, making me sit with his bed to my back. He hovers over me, hot, red, sweaty, and gives me the most embarrassed, pleading look one could possibly give another. I nod, eyes wide, and insert a slippery finger in him. I almost pull out at the groan and pained face he makes, but he shakes his head and grabs my hand, pulling me in deeper.

With my other hand, I bring his face towards mine and kiss him softly, gently, in contrast to the other action. I add another finger and he moans into my mouth, a rather seductive move that I'm sure he had no intention of it being so, just like the actions I'd lost control of. He stops my hand and leans back, panting, so flushed that even his chest is red. I feel so bad about what I'm doing to him, but he wants to go on.

"Kaworu, p-please . . ."

My name, that word, that tone – it's too much. I grab his waist with one hand and myself with another, and he follows my lead and lowers himself down on me as slowly as he possibly can. I let out a long moan against my will and resist the urge to push up in him. His face contorts painfully and I want to tell him to forget it, but it feels too good and he's already as far as he can go. I sit up more and kiss his swollen lips, and he seems grateful for the distraction. His breath is ragged and his skin is slick under my hands. I allow him to take as much time as he needs, kissing him softly and massaging him in order to get him to relax. It takes a while, but he calms down enough to rise on me once again, then drop back down and repeat. I thrust my hips up when he pushes down, and he lets out a gasp and a small cry of my name. I wonder if it hurts or feels good for him, but his body doesn't stop even if his mind wants to.

I kiss him more and wrap a hand around his erection, pumping it in time with my thrusts. He gasps into me and pulls his head back to rest on my shoulder, hands gripping my back tightly, painfully. A strange sensation rises in my stomach and I thrust a little harder, pump a little faster. He moans and writhes with every action and claws at my back roughly.

His breathing becomes more erratic and he lets out one last cry before ejaculating. It's not long before I have my own orgasm to a breathless groan of "Shinji," and he rises off of my softening erection slowly, staying in my lap and catching his breath against my chest.

We stay like that for a while until he falls asleep on me, so delicate and beautiful, and I put him in his bed, clothes folded beside him, and go to wash up. He was right – it was really messy. How annoying. But I don't, and will never, regret what I did, no matter how tedious cleaning up will be. After washing and getting dressed, I make my way to the piano in my insomniac state of living. Rei's there, playing softly on her own this time, the melody sad and hopeless. I sit down and smile at her, and she smiles back in a sincere and unforced way. I change the tune to a brighter one and she follows along wonderfully.

The sun is almost rising before she takes her leave, and I'm left alone to wonder what this day will bring. It's about seven in the morning before everything hits me – today is the day. Our day of destiny. I'm nervous and scared. I'm sure I'll die, either by Seele or Gendo, but if I can just make Shinji's life a little better, everything will be worth it. But I don't want to die. I don't want to make him sad, or cause anymore pain he really doesn't need. A sad smile makes its way to my lips and tears make their way down my cheeks.

"I love you, Shinji Ikari . . ."

All we need now is hope. You'll never know just how beautiful and perfect you are if you don't allow yourself to see it. Stop doubting. Live. I will never let you die. And . . .

"I will always be with you."


End file.
